I Believed You…

I wrote this letter to my ex shortly after our breakup. I never sent it – the writing was supposed to be cathartic. It wasn’t. Maybe posting it will help…

Cockroach, Makakilo Park
[Cockroach, Makakilo Park]

You used to tell me that you didn’t want a sub – you didn’t want to train a sub and you didn’t want to collar anyone. Then you come over and tell me that Grace is now your sub, that you’re training her and you’ve collared her.

I was hurt, I was angry. You lied to me – again. It wasn’t that you didn’t want ANY sub – you just didn’t want ME as a sub. Just like it wasn’t kissing and eating you didn’t like, it was just ME you didn’t like kissing and eating.

I believed you when you said things, like how you would make my fantasies a reality. Now I can’t tell anyone else these fantasies because I’m afraid they’ll say (even offhandedly) “We can do that” but then it won’t happen. Again. And I’ll be hurt. Again.

I believed you when you told me I was a bottom and not a sub. Even though I wanted to try the sub-thing, I let you talk me out of if. The thing is, I still want to try it but now I don’t trust anyone enough. I trusted you and you lied to me and walked all over me. And I let you, over and over again.

You kept telling me you would do things, like texting me more, coming over more, taking me out more, but these things never materialized. I could never figure out if it was just lip service – telling me what I wanted to hear just to shut me up – or if you had honest intentions that just didn’t hold up for more than 5 minutes.

When we broke up (or whatever you want to call it since we weren’t actually dating), I was a wreck. I was lucky I had that one friend who stood by me, listened to me, told me how great I was no matter how I was feeling. It took a while before I could do anything sexual with him and even then we kept it to oral because it was something I couldn’t transfer back to you. It took weeks before I’d let him spank me because I didn’t want to think of you when he did.

But I got past it all, mostly due to my friend and his patience and understanding. When I contacted you I honestly didn’t expect anything from it, but you showed up and the sex was great. And I was okay until you told me about Grace becoming your sub and then I lost it all again. Once again there was hurt and anger because all I am to you is an easy lay. You tell me you like me, you tell me you’re going to do this and do that, but it’s all a front to get laid. You proved that when you never showed up again, didn’t bother to contact me again.

I think you like bringing women into BDSM. You get off on it. But once they’re in the life, you lose interest in them. I’m betting this is why you’ve “lost” your girlfriends to other Doms. You didn’t lose them, you pushed them away, just like you did me…

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Trust…

Sunset at Waikiki

I’ve trusted two men in my life. The first, well, the trust didn’t last quite as long as he did, which wasn’t long at all. But during that period, I trusted him wholly. He could have done anything, taken me anywhere, and I would have trusted him to make it heaven.

The second I still trust. He’s gone as well but when he does pop back into my life, I trust him implicitly. He will not hurt me, he will tell me what I need to hear (whether I want to hear it or not), and he will not lie. Or at least I think he won’t. I’m not so sure any more.

We had a nice FWB relationship going and he forgave me my quirks and even tried to help me past some of them. But I guess it only goes so far. He realized how whacked out I really am and he left. Not only me but the island.

I never told him how much that hurt, that he felt he had to put an ocean between us.

He still messages from time to time and he still tries to give advice, but it seems that it’s longer between contact and the messages are getting shorter.

It still hurts…

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Photo: Sunset at Waikiki