Dreaming…

dream

I had a dream last night that a man wanted me, loved me. It was nice…

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Demanding…

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Hmmm… today’s horoscope:

Avoid appearing overly serious and demanding. What people don’t realize is that you demand even more from yourself. No one is harder on you than you.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a horoscope be so spot-on. However, the best part was:

Tonight: Let someone else dominate.

Sadly, I just need the ‘someone else’…

Pier at Waikiki
[Pier at Waikiki]

I met at man for lunch today. We’ve been emailing back and forth for a while now and finally took that BIG step – meeting in person. The problem? Because, honestly, isn’t there always a problem? He’s married…

We started emailing as friends, lamenting our lives, but he can make me laugh and that seems to be a rarity these days. I already know all the traps so I had no intention whatsoever of meeting him (let alone doing anything else) when we first started communicating. But as I said, he can make me laugh so when he suggested coffee, I thought why not?

But as we sat there, talking, I kept wanting him to touch me – just a hand on my knee or my arm, nothing intense, but just… contact. I wanted him to make that connection. He was very proper, never touched me, didn’t push me into going off with him or into another meeting. He’s leaving that completely up to me.

So what’s a very lonely woman to do? I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon and I still don’t know…

So I Met This Guy Online…

Shelves
[Shelves]

I was feeling lonely and just wanted some cheering up. I didn’t plan on anything more than a few emails with a few guys. But I seemed to connect with one of them. We emailed back and forth for a couple of weeks, two or three times a day, a little venting, a little joking, just being ‘us’ I guess.

He mentioned in one email that he’s a carpenter, that he likes to do woodworking, and I joked that he could put up my bookshelves for me. Well, I was sort of joking. Half-joking, half hoping he’d say ‘Okay’ because I’ve had these shelves for about two months and I really wanted to get them installed.

Surprise! He said ‘I can do that for you’ and we arranged for him to come over. He came over and installed my shelves and they are wonderful! He did a great job – much better than I could have done – and we seemed to get along.

The next day, we emailed again and before I knew it, he was back over here. He wasn’t installing shelves. Yes, we had sex. It was wonderful, fabulous, incredible sex. He did all the things I love and I envisioned more of it.

But that was the last I saw or heard from him. I’m disappointed. I don’t do casual sex. I’m not dreaming of Forever After with him but it would have been nice for a while.

I guess it comes down to I got my shelves and he got paid in full…

Choice…

Bromeliad Choice
[Bromeliads]

I love this quote from Sherman Alexie. I don’t know exactly which book it’s from, but it’s probably the most romantic thing I’ve ever read.

He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.
   –Sherman Alexie

Fixing Me

I’ve been reading a sappy romance for a blog review and I’ve come to realize something…
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The hero of this book knows what to do, what to say, he knows what the heroine is feeling and he accepts it – without question. When she freezes up during a kiss and then runs out on him, he doesn’t ask why and he doesn’t assume he did something wrong. He already knows what the problem is and instead of running after her, yelling “Did I do something wrong?”, he calmly waits a few minutes to let her gather herself.

Now, there is no man in real life – no woman for that matter – that can know how someone works, know what they’re thinking and feeling, so precisely within a few days of meeting them. I’m not fooling myself into thinking there is, and I never have. I know fiction when I read it.

The moment of truth hit when I realized how hard the hero was working to “fix” (for want of a better word) the heroine. He feels a need to get her past her nightmares, her insecurity, and her need to close people off. The truth lies in that no man in real life would work that hard for a woman, not for one he’s just met.

Women (in the general scheme of things) are the fixers of all things emotional. Physically, we nurture and mend, and we make sure everyone gets what they need. Men (in the general scheme of things) are great at fixing things in material reality but they run like a wildebeest with a lion after him when it comes to emotions.

This is why I will never find my perfect mate. The man I need would have to fix me, because I’m broken. I don’t think and feel like most women. I can’t categorize my feelings into tidy little boxes and store them away, never to take them out again. My feelings are more volcanic. They spew out like Mt. Saint Helens with no provocation and, like ash and lava, I can’t just tuck them back in to forget about them again. It’s out, it’s on fire, and it’s burning through my brain.

Ironically, I get these bursts of emotions in any form – happiness, sadness, anger, passion – but it has been so long that I’ve had happiness in my life that the only emotions I’ve had surge forth lately have been negative.

So I retreat and hide within myself, knowing I will never have that HEA moment.