Deserving…

Coconut Palms

I have spent all my adult years in fly-by-night relationships, being cheated on or in affairs with married men. I can count on one hand the number of men who have been faithful to me and I can count on less than one hand the number of men who have put me first in the relationship.

I have reached a point in my life where I don’t want to settle any more. I want to be the focus of a relationship, not be just one in five women that he’s juggling. Is it so wrong of me to want that? After all this time and all the lousy men, I think I deserve just one…

The Black Hole…

Waikiki palm tree
[Palm Tree, Waikiki]

I’ve been told by a couple of people that I feel more deeply than most other people. I tend to hold on to these feelings, be they hurt, betrayal, guilt, and even happiness. I think this is why I get so depressed and also why I can’t seem to let go of things.

When I get hurt, if rips out my gut and I feel as if I have this giant black hole inside of me – an endless vacuum of darkness that sucks in everything. How do you just let go of something like that? You can’t. Within moments it becomes a part of you, like a vital organ.

But it’s the same when I’m happy – I bubble over with enthusiasm and I can’t stop smiling. It’s too bad those happy feelings have been absent from my life lately. I miss them…