The Circle…

Shadows in the night

I felt better today than I did last night, but now that party time is here, I’m beginning to feel down again. I’m lonely and I feel left out of all the fun. It’s like being in high school and hearing about the great parties but not being invited. I’m always left standing on the side lines, wondering what it would be like to be in the inner circle. Or the outer circle. Anywhere in the circle would be nice…

Another Rant on FetLife…

Hibiscus
[Hibiscus]

One of many issues I have with the local FetLife group is their bent towards TNG (The Next Generation, borrowed from Star Trek) groups and activities. I support the idea of TNG, but in Hawaii there is no offset for anyone over 35 just entering the lifestyle.

The basic tenet of TNG (as was explained to me) is that it allows young people to become familiar with the lifestyle and not feel “put out” by older people. In other words, they don’t want us creeping them out with our lecherous ways.

At the same time, there is no event an older person can go to that isn’t 90% TNG, so how does make the older person trying to fit in feel? Old, that’s what!

We get mostly ignored – unless some Dom pulls out a whip and starts flipping it in the air. Then *he* gets attention while the rest of us sit around and watch. And dream…

Envy…

Vine growing in the yard

Is it normal to be so envious of what others have?

It’s not so much “you have this so I envy you”. It’s more an overall envy for what I would call some of the nicer things in life, though others might just call them “things”. A car with doors, a tv without lines running across the screen, a laptop that works, a stove…

I know I should be happy I have a job and a roof over my head but I still want better things that I just can’t afford. Does that make me a bad person?

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Photo: Tree with vine in my yard

Girl on the Bus…

Girl on the BusGirl on the Bus      Me (2)Me

On my bus ride home today there was a very pretty girl sitting across from me. When I say pretty, I mean she was naturally gorgeous. I don’t think she was wearing any more makeup than lip gloss and her face was beautiful, her eyelashes naturally long and lush. Her face had that healthy glow that most of us women use pounds of makeup to achieve. Her hair was straight and flowing – she probably doesn’t have to do more than brush it out in the morning. She was slender but curvy, with the curves in all the right places.

I’m sitting there thinking that this girl (about 20 or so) has no clue what it’s like to be fat, ugly, and unloved. She’s probably never had a boy say no to her. She’s probably never known rejection, never seen the look of disappointment on a blind date’s face, or been turned away because she didn’t fit in. She’ll probably never have to dress to hide her flaws – tummy flab, stretch marks, jiggly arms.

I almost feel sorry for her, having such a perfect life. But then I realize she will probably never know the degree of sadness and despair I feel when I see someone like her cuddling up to her boyfriend on the bus. Of course she has the better life…

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Photos: Plumeria