I have been in a deep depression lately. Work is stressful, I’m going back to school (although now I can’t figure out why) and my personal life, well, that sucks worse than it did before. I haven’t been this low in a long, long time and it doesn’t feel like I’ll pull myself out of it this time…
I must have been a very horrible person in a former life. In point, I think I was an evil, abusive man, a man who used and abused women with no regard for them whatsoever. Why else have I lived my entire life without finding love? Why do I meet men who only want me for a play-thing? Why do I meet only men who hurt me, use me for what they can get out of me, and leave without a second thought? It is the only reason I can come up with for being stuck in such a miserable existence in this hell called Earth…
Why is it so easy for everyone else? Every day I feel like I’m dying inside, that any flame of life, happiness or hope is getting smaller and dimmer. How do people survive being alone?
I wrote this after breaking up with someone
When I hurt, I push
Even though you were the one to hurt me
I thought you would be the one to finally push back
I thought you would tie me down
Force me to listen
Make me realize you would be here for me
But you can only be pushed so far
And I pushed too far…
I was thinking about that dreaded ex of mine today, about how he keeps coming up in my head and I can’t seem to get rid of him. About how I need closure but can’t seem to get it.
What would I say to him if he contacted me? Probably nothing. It’s all coiled up so tightly inside of me that letting it go would be paramount to Mt. Vesuvius erupting. And that’s part of the problem. Like so many men, he’s non-confrontational when it comes to emotions and feelings. I can picture it now – as soon as I start talking about how I feel, he’d be gone.
It’s so easy for men to get closure. They blink their eyes and they’re done – they’ve forgotten and they’re off on a new conquest. For me it’s not so easy. I was beginning to put my heart into that relationship and realizing that all I was to him was an easy lay is painful. I had started to tear down walls that had been up for years, told him private things about me. In return, I know pretty much nothing about him.
So here I am – a tightly wound coil of tension ready to burst, hurriedly building up my walls bigger, taller, tighter than ever before…